This would be a good entry to skip. It's like when the news says "we caution viewers that the next story contains graphic footage and sensitive viewers may not want to watch it". Well the next few paragraphs contain the verbal equivalent for emotional eaters and will more than likely be demotivated. If you are in a good mood you might not want to read it. If you're in a bad mood it'll make it worse and you should definately not read it. Having said that more people will probably read this entry than any other. (sigh..I added this paragraph after I'd written the entry and I guess the feeble attempt at humor, such as I am capable of, means I am feeling better....and I guess I am...a little)
I have always been an emotional eater. I guess I always will be. It was ironic reading Robin's entry when I woke up this morning. Her eating was, at least initially triggered by something that went very right and made her feel happy. Celebrating with food. Lots of people do. The focal point of parties, weddings, festivals, almost anything tends to be food. Celebrating with food is an accepted norm. I guess I did it a couple weeks ago with Lee's birthday when I used up every point I could find and then some on pizza and cake. I fixed that. I was motivated to lose weight and I did my binge knowing I was doing it and planning to fix it. It worked out. I lost weight that week.
I'm worried right now though. My worse emotional eating is when I'm down. I'm way down now. I ate last night for comfort. Wasn't much comfort because I've pretty well cleaned my environment of all the crap. Obviously WW knows what they are doing when they tell you to clean up your environment lol. I didn't do too much damage last night. I was too lazy to go out and get anything really bad. Maybe I'm trying to hold on to the one thing that I might possibly be successful at, the one thing I can look at in my life and say that I was a success at. I, at one time, reached my goal. I lost over 100lbs. It felt good to achieve a goal to feel successful. That I screwed it up is not surprising. The good news, I guess, is that I know how to fix it. That's what I've been trying to do by posting this journal and doing what it takes to lose the weight and hopefully keep it off this time.
Then the down times come. I feel like I will never be worth anything to anybody. I get lonely. I get frustrated on so many levels and nobody seems to understand. I want to eat. I want comfort food. I want donuts. I want fried chicken. I want to go to a restaurant and not have to think about anything other than what I really WANT, not what I SHOULD eat. I know I'm not alone.
Today, this whole coming week, is going to be hard. I stumbled last night. Wanted to eat and did. So far little damage is done. I ate too much of basically healthy foods. Today is another day. I'll have the opportunity to go out. This week I will not be eating at home. I'll not be at home. I'll be surrounded by temptation. Right now I don't think I care. I kinda care. I guess. Part of me wants to say f**k it I'll eat until I die since sooner or later I'll die anyway it doesn't matter if it's sooner rather than later.
I'm going to disappoint some people here probably. I may not be much of a motivating factor in the JLand weightloss comunity for a bit. I went to bed unhappy about a number of things I can't begin to discuss. I woke up crying and feeling worse. So much for sleeping on it. Now I've got the guilt added on top of that of stumbling off my path here and contemplating a major deviation if not a one hundred eighty degree turn. (I can also add in the fact that in today's society men are not supposed to admit to crying but I don't give a s**t).
The only good news right now is that I know where the path is and know how to walk it so that if I screw up today, this coming week, I can get back on. At least writing here has made me feel a bit more like trying even though it seems pointless still.
Such are the travails of the emotional eater.
5 comments:
I often wonder if it is better that we use food to ease our pain and not drugs or alcohol. Pain is pain and when you feel it nobody can say crap about how you deal with it.
I'm sorry you are in such a dark place right now. I wish I could make it better for you. I understand these lows and I can only hope you will see the sun shinning today and find the strength to stand tall and tell yourself... "Today is a new day and it will be a good one."
You are not alone, you have many friends online who love you, care about you and want the absolute best for you. Try and find some comfort in that.
Robin
Good question. Anything can be abused I suppose. Abusing anything is usually bad for us. I suppose that at least our body does get some use out of the food, even if we eat too much of it where drugs and alcohol have no real benefits except to temporarily make us feel better. It's sometimes hard to know what is really right. Society tells us that overeating, abusing drugs or alcohol and so on is not right. Does society always know what is right for us? I suppose when we do these things in our pain, or our happiness even, we ARE affecting people other than ourselves and I suppose we should remember that there really ARE people that care about us even when we aren't sure we're worthy and may not care about ourselves. It's such a tough balance to find between trying to make ourselves happy and trying to make those around us happy. Another thing society seems to prefer is that we put a 'happy face' on and keep our pain to ourselves. Maybe in light of the fact that really nobody can know what we are feeling, even when we try to express it usually, we SHOULD just put on that 'happy face'. Fake it 'till you make it. Or as I've tried so many times. Decide to be happy. This is something I guess I'll always have to deal with. I'm not alone. I know that. I know people want to help and I appreciate them.
Sweetie don't give it a second thought about disappointing anyone here in JLand - screw'em <G>. Reading real life accounts of being on a diet is much more helpful than reading those dam do gooders who never stumble. (I am NOT bitter!) <g> Anyway I hope you can stop yourself and get back on track soon for yourself because I relate to SO much of what you said and see myself in you and I know how I punished myself because of the last cheat - it was SO stupid and set me back so far that I am just losing the same darn 10 pounds over and over - kind of like treading water and getting no where.
Hang in there and keep journaling and venting and getting all your stuffed emotions and thoughts out - it just might help.
Stacy
Oh goodness we are not judging or rating you on how often you cheat or stumble.. we are here supporting you and going through all the ups and downs with you, as we struggle and stumle right alone with you. I think everything is a simple matter of doing things in moderation. There will be days you have donuts or cake, and instead of saying OH I ruined the whole day.. and getting all down about it and thinking you are a complete failure, think of the whole week you still have left to work it off and behave. If you critique yourself sooo harshly on every little detail every day it will set you up for failure. I try to make choices to balance things out. Like I will choose fat free things for stuff I use everyday. I will try finding lower calorie substitutes for many things that tempt me constantly. But for things I don't splurge on a lot I just go for the real stuff enjoy it, and then walk extra or do my bike. It is worth it for me to enjoy something really good occasionally. Each person is different though and there are some that if they try to have one treat it triggers a non stop craving. Each of those things have to be dealt with individually.
You will be walking from the hotel to the casino in Tunica.. so just walk a little brisker and take the steps and stairs and you will burn off that buffet!!!!
You can cry all you like.. that makes you a sensitive human being filled with love and emotion. Love you!!!
Extra {{{Pooh Hugs}}} Bill.
I'm so sorry you are going through a rough time.... and forget about disappointing anyone, that isn't even gonna happen. I think the one common thread that weaves us all together here in J-land is our understanding of each other's weakness with food. There isn't one person here who is struggling with weight that hasn't eaten things they shouldn't and for reasons that we thought we corrected. There isn't one of us that hasn't beat up on ourselves for slipping up, even when we can easily tell others not to do that to themselves.
You have to remember that you are human, and as humans, we fall short of the high expectations we always put upon ourselves and never others. You just believe that you can get through this.....because the people who care about you believe in you....I believe in you! We are right here to catch you when you stumble and give you a soft place of friendship to fall on where you won't get hurt and will have all the help you need getting back up. Oh, and about crying? Pfffftttt...if a man doesn't cry when he needs to, I think he is weak. It takes true strength to be who you really are and express yourself. Anyone can be a society's cookie cutter image...that's the weak way out. You be you....it's what you do best. :)
You don't know me too well yet, but I'm always up late and only an e-mail away if you need a ear to listen.
Hang in there...better days lay ahead.
Pooh Hugs,
Linda~
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